When Children Have ‘Meltdowns’ – What is Really Happening?
When children have big feelings it’s sometimes hard to understand why, and how to help them.
We’ve all been there. Whether it’s happened to us first hand, with our own child, or we’ve witnessed another parent struggling. Big feelings can be hard to manage. A ’meltdown’ can happen for various reasons, such as our child not having a need met, or due to the environment causing them some distress.
Counsellors like to use the term ‘emotional dysregulation’ instead of ‘having a meltdown’, as this takes the blame away from the child. Instead of seeing the child as ‘misbehaving’ or ‘playing up’, using the term emotional dysregulation shines a light on the problem that has arisen within.
When our little ones are emotionally dysregulated, this triggers a threat response in their body and brains, more commonly known as ‘fight, flight or freeze’. When this gets activated, our inner systems set in motion a series of responses to help us react to the ‘threat’ at hand.
Like their parents, the threats children experience often aren’t instances of physical danger, but more a perceived threat to their emotional safety or identity.
What is a Meltdown Like for Your Child?
To help you get a sense of what this is like, think back to a time where you felt calm and you were going with the flow. You might have experienced this as a state of relaxedness, a feeling of being ‘in the moment’, or perhaps recognise it more as a state of open-heartedness. Counsellors call this emotional regulation.
Now imagine, your brain flickers briefly to that piece of work you haven’t started that’s due at work very soon, and your brain and body floods with stress, fear and panic. Your body tenses up, your thoughts adopt a harsh tone and that knot in your stomach reappears.
The threat you’ve perceived – for example, your boss being angry at you because you’ve missed a deadline – may have activated a conscious or subconscious negative belief within you. This might sound like ‘I’m a failure’, which can lead to overwhelming feelings of dread, worry or shame that you just can’t shake off. This is emotional dysregulation.
For kids it’s no different. Emotional regulation for them feels like being calm and focused, where they are typically able to interact with others positively, and can take onboard information and process it.
Children can be triggered into emotional dysregulation sometimes without being aware of what’s caused it. The problem is that when we ask the child ‘what’s wrong’ they often can’t tell us. It isn’t necessarily that they don’t want to tell us, it’s more that the bit of their brains responsible for cognitive functioning is still developing, and the child is still learning how to make sense of things and communicate this to us.
Top Tips
- To get a better sense of your child’s triggers, watch out for patterns in their behaviour
- To help them feel safe in moments of high distress, offer them a hug or something that will help them self-soothe, and then do the talking bits after.
- Try not to ask ‘why’ questions, instead use questions that help them find a way to feel better in the moment, like ‘what do you need to help you feel better right now?’
- Stay curious, even when they tell you nothing is wrong. Fight the urge to assume it’s just ‘bad’ behaviour – don’t punish them having for their big feelings.
Counselling is designed to help your child understand themselves better, as well as helping them to learn to manage their big emotions in new ways. If your child struggles with things like, emotional outbursts, hitting out, crying a lot, anxiety, withdrawing or being indecisive a lot, then this may indicate your child may benefit from seeing a counsellor.
Ultimately, remember, parenting is hard. Sometimes that leaves adults unable to respond well or feel like not knowing what to do to resolve things. Don’t just sit alone with it, get support for yourself and reach out to a friend, family member, counsellor, or seek support from your child’s GP.
